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Dealing With Divorce: A Primer For Couples and Children

Consider that more than 50% of first marriages end in divorce and that most divorces are contentious. Contentious divorces in which children are involved is particularly troublesome, for the children invariably suffer, even when the parents attempt to cooperate. Thankfully, most contentiousness in divorces is relatively brief, but in some situations it goes on for months and even years. While many of the negative effects of divorce on children are not long-lasting, all too often children become and remain symptomatic.

It only makes sense that divorcing parents feel hurt by each other and are angry. Some divorce lawyers keep the anger to a minimum while others only serve to fuel the ire. Family and friends may make things worse when they think they’re giving support, but they may actually be pumping up the anger by pointing out negative things about the other parent. Suffice to say, even without any outside “help” there is usually plenty of hurt and anger between the two divorcing parents. This is where the children are typically caught in the middle.

Effects of Divorce on Children

Children of divorce usually feel split loyalties, that they must show love and support toward the parent they are with and that if they if they express the same sentiments toward the other parent, they are somehow being disloyal. Many parents are unaware that they may be encouraging split loyalties by making certain statements or engaging in various behaviors. This is especially true when one parent has been left or “dumped” by the other, who goes on to another relationship.

Hurt and angry parents may make statements or suggest to their child(ren) that the other parent may not love them anymore. That the other parent prefers his new wife and their children together.

What Do You Say to Your Children About the Other Parent?

Hurt and angry parents may tell their children that the other parent:
  • Isn’t paying for clothes or their fair share of child support.
  • Doesn’t love you as much as I do.
  • Wants custody only because they know it will hurt me.
  • Was never there for you; I was the one who took care of you.
  • Was more interested in work (or any other activity) than they were being with you.
    • These statements, even if true, put an unfair burden on the child and place them in the middle of their parent’s divorce. Many parents who make statements such as these may claim, “My child(ren) have the right to know what their mother/father is really like. I’m not going to keep secrets from them.” While there certainly are times when a child may have a need to know unpleasant things about the other parent, it’s difficult to know when those times are when your judgment is clouded by hurt and anger.

    Long-lasting Effects

    Children who are affected by divorce may give the impression that everything is all right. They often smile and tell you they are fine, but in reality, they are suffering inside.

    Be aware of the following behaviors and symptoms that may occur in divorce situations:
  • Angry outbursts and oppositional behavior
  • Withdrawing from friends and family
  • Problems in school
  • Regressing (behaving as if they are younger than their actual age)
  • Separation anxiety
  • Nightmares
  • Refusing to go with the other parent
  • Lying or acting out
    • If your child is showing any of the above behaviors and doesn’t seem to be improving, therapy may be necessary.

    If left untreated, children who are exposed to contentious divorces may have problems with:
  • Drugs and alcohol
  • Depression and anxiety and poor self-esteem
  • Promiscuity
  • Difficulty trusting others, particularly in close relationships
  • Behavioral problems
    • At Innovative Child and Family Psychotherapy and Counseling Associates we have therapists who have specific expertise in treating children and families of divorce. We may be able to help your child who is having difficulty dealing with the divorce. Also, we may be able to help create calm the waters in contentious divorce situations.

    To make an appointment, call us at 215-355-8812.